After a relentless streak of cruel summer days, the ground meets its first rain. Today is a little kinder, as the soft patter of the rain whispers tenderly to the city.
Angel lays right at the edge of her bed, her leg falling over the edge as she glances with glassy eyes at her half-open door. She has her phone in her hand, a draft promoting Sean’s family’s business ready to be posted. Her tita is self-isolating in the room beside her, and she feels suspended in a foreign space that isn’t her bedroom; slowly the crack of the door blurs with the rest of the room and she drifts off into a light nap.
There was no sizzling nor any scent of dinner wafting from the kitchen when she awakens clinging to a nearby pillow, her phone having fallen on the ground. She picks it up with a scowl and heads downstairs. She finds a note on the dining room table.
May parating na McDo. - Tita Shelly
The house is abnormally quiet without her mother in it, although it has always been just the two of them. Angel feels like there is a certain way to be for every person, to take up space in a certain corner of the world and feel at home in it - she thinks she doesn’t really know how to do this without her mother. She decides to sit on the couch and wait for the delivery, combing through her tangled hair as she scrolls through social media.
The promotional post for Sean and his family’s business is finally up on her profile, and she receives a private message from him a few minutes after.
SEAN
18:36
SEAN
ANGELLL thank you ulit sa postings mo i dont know how to pay u back
YOU
grabe kaaa no need for that >:( im jus thankful that i can support
SEAN
OH btw! G ka sa call tomorrow? Available kaming lahat ikaw nalang hindi nagbubukas ng gc hayyy
YOU
AY HALA SORRY T__T di ako nakareply huhu pero g! what time?
SEAN
Kwentuhan kami mga 9pm? Night call for a change
YOU
g! see u tmrw na lang kakain na ko ha
SEAN
Okk happy dinner
She turns off her phone and shoves it away from her, switching her gaze from her now-muted phone to the blank, lifeless ceiling.
It’s been a few months since her mother, a frontliner, was admitted to the hospital - not for work, but for getting the virus.
For Angel, it seems as though even if she wasn’t the one connected to tubes and machines, clinging on to whatever life support there is, she felt like she was the one battling with death itself for her mother’s soul.
It’s been a few months and she’s barely clinging on to hope anymore.
The early March of 2020 brought the household a tension Angel would rather have - and fix - than this hollowing emptiness she has right now.
“Angel papasok na ko!” her mother announces at the door. Hospitals in the Philippines are low on PPEs, and Judith has only a cloth mask and a bottle of hand sanitizer to take to commute. A few days later and all public transportation will be banned from operating. A few days later and the household becomes flooded with anger-disguised worry, in which Angel insists on being the one to fetch groceries and Judith retorts that she is turning it into a guise to meet up with her friends. She isn’t wrong in the beginning - Angel storms upstairs sending an apology text to the two friends she shares the neighborhood with. She doesn’t think they can meet up anytime soon.
The final straw comes when Angel comes home from the nearby sari-sari store to her mom seated on the couch. They haven’t eaten a home-cooked meal - or sat down for one together - in weeks in fear of infection, and to see her mother outside of the master’s bedroom was a pleasant surprise. Angel sits across her and lays the snacks on the coffee table between them, gesturing for her mom to take one.
“‘Nak, malaki ang tiwala ko sa’yo, pero kung saan-saan ka na napapadpad,” Judith sighs. Angel scoffs playfully, leaning forward to open a bag of chips.
“Ma, si Aling Lory lang ‘to. Sa kanto lang. Di ba ‘ko pwede bumili ng makakain?”
“Sandali lang,” Judith snaps, a little too sternly. “‘Di ka marunong mag-ingat. Asan ‘yung alcohol?”
“I didn’t stay for long, Ma. Let’s eat na.” Angel passively hands the disinfectant. She hates feeling ill towards her mother, but she didn’t know how to keep from banging a bottle of soda a little too aggressively. Judith clicks her tongue in annoyance and decides to ignore it; Angel didn’t know if this irritated her further but she decides to respond.
“It’s just the neighborhood,” she mumbles. “I can’t let a virus keep me from crossing the street.”
“Ang hilig mo talaga gumala-gala,” Judith replies. “Seryoso na ‘to Angel. Hindi ka na bata; intindihin mo naman.”
“Ilang araw ka nang sumasakay sa likod ng military truck? And you tell me I can’t even step foot outside.”
“Pag may makakakuha sa virus na ‘yan, I’d rather have it be me than you, Angel!”
The words were ringing inside her head as she recalled that night clearly - as she regretted the words that slipped out her lips like fire.
"Nakakainis. Lagi nalang-"
"Lagi na lang ano, ija?"
Startled, Angel turned around to see her Tita Shelly, wearing a mask and was a few feet away from her, coming down the stairs.
“Have you eaten your McDo na? Sabay na tayo. Painitin ko lang.”
Stiff and still, Angel looks closely at her Tita Shelly, carefully preparing their McDo dinner by the countertop. She gently puts the boxes of meals out and sets the table for the two of them. Tita Shelly looks at Angel, who was still in the same spot.
“Sit down na, ija. Get some water for us na rin and your snacks if you want.”
Dark undereyes, low spirits - these were what caught Angel’s attention. She hasn’t seen her Tita Shelly in days. Sure, there was social distancing even in their home, but she would usually come out every hour or so to check on Angel or to prepare food. The Tita Shelly she knew had always been chatty, happy, and up on her toes despite situations like these.
She’s unusually quiet and gentle today - too quiet.
Was she laid off from work? Are Lola and Lolo okay? Did she have an argument with her officemates?
Angel’s thoughts had been running wild. Tita hasn’t been herself in days.
As Tita Shelly asked, she sat down on one of the chairs by their dining table, still watching her Tita prepare food.
“I saw your new post for your friend’s business. Gumagaling ka na sa design ah,” Tita Shelly said, unwrapping the rice.
Angel’s face lit up as she mustered a genuinely happy reply. “ Ay, opo,” she said, “I enjoy making them naman kahit napapuyat kagabi.”
“Nagpuyat ka last night for this? I went out of my room last night and saw the lights in your room were still on at 1AM.”
“Opo, I finished the post last night - or this morning pala.”
“It isn’t homework naman,” Tita Shelly reminded, “so there’s no need to put in too much effort for that. You need to rest din, ah.”
Angel chuckled - she receives countless of those remarks from her friends all the time, but she never fails to reply with a simple “I don’t mind naman po. It’s really okay.”
Tita Shelly laughed at her statement, staring off into the distance as the food was heating. The low hum of the microwave and clanking of plates and utensils filled the atmosphere along with the silence between the two.
Despite the lightened mood, Angel just couldn’t shrug off the aura she sensed - and is still sensing - from her Tita. The way she’s staring off into the distance isn’t unusual, but her eyes say a lot.
“You’re just like your Mama.”
Ding! The microwave stops along with Angel’s train of thought.
“Hay nako, your Mama has always been makulit with how she keeps putting others before herself. ”
Tita Shelly carefully brings out the freshly heated food out of the microwave and on top of the table, in front of Angel - who was still looking down at her fidgety fingers, in disarray with the mention of her mother.
“You know, if there’s one thing I never fully understood, ija, it’s how people can continuously keep giving and not receive anything in return - without fail nor complaint,” Tita Shelly said.
Angel looked up as her Tita finally sat down after that lengthy McDo dinner preparations.
“You know me naman Angel. I’m a businesswoman who makes sure that deals are worth it for both parties - fair and square. Hindi pwedeng bigayan, hindi pwedeng dayaan. Gano’n!”
Angel laughed. Despite the serious mood, her Tita is still able to crack a good laugh. The two began to eat their McDonalds meals.
“Tell me nga Angel, why do you do this kahit late at night even if it’s not graded? Even if you’re not paid to do it? Don’t you find it - even in the slightest bit - unfair?”
Angel found herself without any words at the tip of her tongue nor at the top of her head - blank. There really was no definite explanation that she could verbalize right now, but one thing is definitely sure.
“I like doing it.”
Tita Shelly laughed at her simple yet straightforward answer.
“Not even a little unfair for you, I see. You’re exactly like your Mama.”
How can we be alike when we always argue? She asked herself.
With much curiosity, she faced her and asked, “How come?”
Tita Shelly, midway pouring gravy on her meal, put the cup of gravy down before replying.
“Well, even as kids, she never failed to share her food or snacks with me even if she wanted those snacks. When we were teens? Nako, she always lent me her clothes even if she liked them so much. Now that we’re older, she never fails to take care of her patients - too well that even she herself became one.”
Even she herself became a patient.
“Don’t get me wrong ah. I love your Mama, but there really were days that I wanted to just argue and fight her for putting others first too much and putting herself last.”
Words were ringing inside Angel’s head as she recalled the night when she and her mother had a huge argument.
“Pag may makakakuha sa virus na ‘yan, I’d rather have it be me than you, Angel!”
“Alam mo, makulit talaga ‘yan si Mama mo, pero she's doing everything that she can right now. Pagpasensyahan mo na Angel, ha?”
Angel’s glassy eyes gave in, with tears flowing down her cheeks like rain. She was quick to wipe it away with the sleeve of her shirt, but even she couldn’t hide her regret and tears from her Tita Shelly, who then gave her a pat on the back.
Social distancing sucks, sometimes, Angel thought.
“Your Mama called me up nga pala earlier.”
Suddenly, Angel’s tears stopped flowing. She turned to her Tita, who’s empty eyes still bothered Angel.
“What did she say po, Tita?” Angel asked
Tita Shelly took a deep breath before answering.
She replied, “They ran a few tests and the doctors said she might need to be on life support soon, but they’ll confirm tomorrow after the other test results are processed.”
As Tita Shelly spoke, Angel was looking blankly at the food in front of her, wishing it was her mom’s homemade sinigang.
“The hospital doesn’t have that many COVID-19 patients compared to last May and June, but there isn’t enough equipment.”
Angel looked at Tita Shelly with fear. As if that wasn’t enough, her Tita had more to tell her.
“Your mom told me that another patient needed life support, too - a child.”
In an instant, Angel’s eyes began to overflow with tears streaming down her face like waterfalls.
She just knew her mother gave her life support to another patient - she willingly cut her life short so a child could live theirs.
“We’ll get to talk to your Mom tomorrow night when the doctors receive the test results. We have to hope for the best.” Tita Shelly said, patting Angel’s back to comfort her.
And prepare for the worst, she thought.
The rest of their night was filled with deafening silence and occasional clanking of utensils on their plates. It didn’t sit well with Angel that everything was coming at her like a tornado, sweeping away her senior year, her old life, and possibly her mother.
Tita Shelly finished her food and pat Angel on her head before going to bed, leaving Angel with her unfinished McDo, a whirlwind of too many thoughts, and a pool of tears welling up, ready to run down her cheeks.
Guilt, anger, rage, and regret - Angel was spiralling once again, drowning in her own emotions and thoughts with the thought of her mother fighting for her life alone.
She grabs her phone and types away as if there was no tomorrow - because there may not be one for her mother.
Words upon words and characters upon characters instantly fill up her phone’s screen. The most repeated sentence?
I’m sorry, Ma.
Sent.
The next day, she wakes up on her own. It’s 8AM. The curtains remain closed. She tells herself repeatedly that it’s of no use to lose grip of her own life, especially in the midst of a pandemic when it’s crucial to stay on top of the world’s happenings. She curses under her breath when she realizes it took this much to snap back to reality.
Yes, she was about to be the senior she always dreamed of being, the youth nearing a crossroad for the course of the rest of her life. It was the start of a new decade and its initial months were filled with hope, but what would be left of her when the pandemic she previously claimed had no right to interfere with her life takes the one that has given it to her?
8:30AM - Research Synchronous Class
10:00AM - Deadline of Asynchronous Work for Research
1:00PM - Deadline of Performance Task for Oral Communication
1:30PM - Meeting with Core Team
4:00PM - Project Proposal Submission
9:00PM - Call with Frndz <3
Angel immediately muted her phone’s notifications. She knew she had a ton of deadlines and work for the day, but how can you possibly go on when life has hit you too hard?
It’s been hours since she woke up, yet she hasn’t gotten up from her bed nor has she even taken a glance at her phone, willingly skipping her work and her classes.
Three light knocks on her bedroom door break the silence in her room. Tita Shelly opens the door quietly, peeking in with her mask. Angel faces the other way, pretending to be asleep.
“Angel, there’s food na on the table downstairs if you’re hungry na. Call me if you need anything, ija. We’ll get to call you Mom in a few hours.”
The door closes and Angel’s eyes well up with tears once more. It’s almost time, she thought.
There was no shortcut or loophole nor was there a skip button for this.
If I can’t escape, might as well look good to make Mom happy, I guess, she thought.
She checks her phone and sees the time: 1:30PM. She gets up and out of bed.
“Get yourself through the day, girl.” She muttered to herself.
She freshens up, takes a bath, changes her clothes, and fixes her room. Frankly, her room hasn’t been this tidy for weeks - maybe even months. She skips class and work voluntarily, knowing that she’ll go insane if she keeps doing work like this.
She checks the time on her phone: 2:45PM. Her notifications were still muted and she continues to ignore all the work-related messages she might be getting. She goes down and sees a plate of homemade food prepared by Tita Shelly, with a note beside it.
Mama will call at 3PM. Eat ka na. - Tita Shelly
A wave of panic consumes her. I have 15 minutes. Is she okay? Has she even read my messages yet? Is she mad? A lot of thoughts came rushing in her head, but she chose to sit down and eat her meal - still wishing it was her Mom’s sinigang.
Minutes pass by and she’s already finished her plate of food. Probably because of panic, she thought. It’s 2:55PM and she sat there waiting for her Tita Shelly to come downstairs.
Soon after, she hears a series of footsteps by the stairs and sees her Tita Shelly, with her phone in hand.
“Have you finished your food na?” She asked.
Angel replies, “Yes po Tita.”
“That’s good to hear.”
Angel looks at her Tita Shelly closely once more, but there was something different about her today compared to last night. Was it because of work? Or is she just trying to stay positive?
Angel was curious, but more so with her Mom who’s supposed to call. It’s 3:01PM and her impatience has gotten the best of her.
“Tita, tumawag na po ba si Mom?”
Tita Shelly looks at her with confusion and replies, “Oh, but she told me she would call you. Have you checked your phone?”
My phone was on mute this whole time.
Without a single word, she rushes up the stairs and dashes to her room in no time. She grabs her phone and unmutes the notifications. A swarm of missed calls and messages from her friends come flooding in, but she was looking for a particular name.
And there it is.
I’ll call in a few. - Mom
Is she still mad? Is she okay? Will she need life support? She didn’t even reply to my texts last night, she thought to herself.
CALLING: Mom
Without thinking, she answers the phone with tears welling up in her eyes.
“Hello Ma? Kamusta? What did the doctors say?”
She blurts out every question she could and waits for a response - may it be angry or sad. Her Tita Shelly comes up and waits by her room’s door, anticipating the news.
Surprisingly, her mom laughs on the other end of the line.
“Angel anak, it’s a miracle. There’s no need for life support na. They said I can come home soon.”
Tears begin flowing down her cheeks, but this time, it’s tears of joy. She waves her hand to call her Tita Shelly, signalling that her mother was okay.
It’s been a few months and she’s finally hoping for the better, again.
Later that night, Angel gets back up on her feet and begins typing tons of messages to people, apologizing for being uncontactable, and replying to other messages from Sean.
SEAN
20:21
SEAN
ANGELLL g ka ba sa call nating lahat in a few??
YOU
G! Got some good news!!! ;))
SEAN
NICEEE I’ll tell d others !!
It’s 9PM. Angel logs into her Zoom account and enters the details. Her face brightens up when four windows appear on her screen, with the friends she hasn’t seen in so long.
Suddenly, life feels better today.
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